I woke up at 5am this morning to the sound of rain gently falling. The perfect Sunday morning to stay snuggled nice and cozy under warm blankets. (The pumpkin spice chai can wait. Any other tea lovers out there?)
As I lay there enjoying the moment, I thought, what a perfect moment to practice self awareness. So I took a few breaths and tuned into my body. Quickly losing myself to the sensations of my breath as it flowed in and out, the warmth of my hands resting against my body, the gentle feeling of being held by the mattress and bedding. Ahhh.
Then suddenly thoughts about a friend's driving barged right in.
The last time I rode in a car with him was a white knuckle experience. I swear I ended up with a few more grey hairs by the end of the trip. So there I was, lying in my comfy bed, but my mind was racing into a place of discomfort.
Spiraling with the could haves, should haves and what ifs... What if he offers to drive again? How will I say no without hurting his feelings? Should I even be friends with him? And what about my other friend's driving? Maybe I should always take my car. Do I even like anyone's driving? What if I'm a bad driver and don't know it?
Ugh! What if I just gave up having friends?
All that from a cozy bed on a rainy morning. Here I am doing something good for my mind, body and soul, and instead it turns into a stressful moment.
The back and forth so many of us live in
I'm on the autism spectrum and highly sensitive, and friendships can take a lot out of me. I pick up on every little shift in someone's voice. I feel my friends' feelings, and sometimes that gets so uncomfortable I just want to shut down or get away. I need a lot of alone time, and a lot of space after closeness.
I also tend to keep quiet about the little things that bother me, because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. So instead, they swirl around inside. Do I even want to be friends with her? She's always doing this or that. But I love her. And she has so many good traits. Back and forth, back and forth. It takes so much energy.
Maybe you know that loop too.
My worst judgments come from me
Because I'm so tuned in to every little voice inflection, I often feel judged by others. But my worst judgments come from me.
Judging others and judging ourselves are so often tangled together. Very often the traits we judge others for are the things we subconsciously feel insecure about.
The moment that transformed everything.
So as I lay there spiraling, it suddenly hit me. What if, when I find myself judging, I instead focused on gratitude for their friendship and sent them love? No judgments at all on good traits or annoying traits. Only focusing on love and gratitude.
Then I wondered, what if I were to think of something wonderful about that friend? But why complicate it? If I did that, then I'd have to decide, is this good or is this bad? Anyone else have a hard time with decisions and grey areas? Much easier to be grateful for this person's friendship, and send them love.
No grading. No keeping score. Just gratitude and love. Imagine how that could change relationships and change the world!
A simple practice to try
- Get comfortable (still in bed counts) and place a hand on your heart.
- Breathe in slowly through your nose, then breathe out even more slowly through your mouth. Do this three times.
- Picture one friend. Not her flaws, not her gifts. Just her.
- Silently say, "Thank you for being my friend."
- As you exhale, imagine sending her love from your heart to hers.
- When you're ready, try it with someone harder. A stranger. Or the woman in the mirror.
If a judgment pops up, that's okay. Notice it, take a breath, and come back to gratitude. Let the power of your breath work magic.
I'm practicing this too
Will I do it perfectly? Nope. I'll probably catch myself judging someone's driving again by lunchtime (and maybe someone will be judging mine). And that's okay. Noticing is the first step. Will you join me in this practice?
Come breathe with us
If you'd love a place to practice this with other women who understand the struggle, come join us in BLOOM, my online community. We gather live on Tuesday evenings to breathe, soften, and come home to ourselves. It's a safe, quiet place, and no sharing is required. Your first month is just $1. BLOOM Community
Now go appreciate a friend today (Sending them love and gratiude energetically if you need your space).
With love and gratitude, Lynn ❤️❤️❤️
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